I'm sitting on the plane in Houston (written 8/4/2010), waiting for the next leg of my trip back to Denver and thought I'd finally do some reflecting from my first trip back to Mississippi since leaving last December. I had a great trip. I had a successful trip, in that I saw most everyone especially family as well as several friends that I wasn't sure I would have a chance to visit. Not much else could have been squeezed into this visit home. I am hoping that I have successfully lodged myself in MM's picture memory for now and that I will be home before she's had time to forget my voice but I'm not sure that is reality given she's only 11 weeks old. Honestly, when it was time for me to go I didn't feel like I had visited with MP enough or Y or Mom or Dad but in reality, short of being back for good that was about all the visiting we would have managed anyway.
I had a great Fair. All of my anxiety about dad was diminished (for the most part) as soon as we embraced and tears filled both our eyes. I know he missed me and I know he loves me. However, he still cannot accept my "leaving" him and I know that he probably never will – at least not as long as his perspective is that I left him not that I moved forward in my own way.
This is the first Fair that I felt like I got in good visiting time with old friends and family and I was glad for the time I had with them. For the most part, this Fair felt like any other and as if I didn't really live so far away- other than a sincere desire to spend more time with MP and MM. I realized that I never really was the type to just "be" at our cabin all that much anyway – for better or worse. Honestly, as far back as I can remember I had been spending more time away from our porch and visiting with other friends and always being told to sit down and catch up with my own relatives more. I definitely regret that trend now, but in the same breath not actually spending the night at the cabin didn't seem all that much of a stretch this year after all was said and done. With all that being said, I do hope that next year K and I will be at our cabin, it's how it should be regardless. [Please see previous post with photo slideshow of our Fair pictures- they really give a great depiction of the Fair]
K and I had a great fair all in all. We really enjoyed being at the McCls cabin. We felt so comfortable and at home, and truthfully it was nice to have an escape from the circus at the M cabin! (Not circus in a bad way but there is just always TOO much going on there and not enough relaxing.) K is such a great boyfriend and he was supper great at the Fair. He just helped out with anything and everything he was asked to do and even picked up on times when help was needed without being asked. He took MP to the midway all on his own, held MM at his own request, and kept the coolers drained and iced down at all times (this may sound silly but getting ice from the iceman and keeping a good stock at the cabin is a Large part of the Fair). He let me visit and "disappear" for hours at a time, knowing I was caught up in one conversation or another with some relative he had never seen before! I think he felt like he got to visit with everyone as well and had a pretty good fair by all accounts. However, he did have some random physical ailments – ankles swelling like crazy, stomach (no surprise given no meat for 24 days), chigger bites (who knows how he got those) . . . haha! I love him so much and fell more in love with him through the week because he was all the man I could have ever asked for or imagined with all the craziness going on around us.
Food/Eating deserves its own paragraph. I was not hungry from the moment we arrived at the Fair until the moment I arrived back at the Jackson airport a few short hours ago – given I did not go more than 3 hours without food in hand the entire 12 days in Mississippi. NO, I am not exaggerating. Just when I would think I was going to take a break on the food, someone would say they were cooking up something good and I wasn't, rather I couldn't seem to pass anything up! My first meal was boiled shrimp with strawberry/walnut salad and homemade poppy seed dressing and my last meal was crock pot roast and homegrown green beans and cream corn. If it's American food, I believe I had it in the last 12 days and as a matter of fact I probably had it twice! We would have breakfast, lunch, dinner and late night dinner every night. (Yes, I am blown up like a balloon but one of the ones with a big ass Happy Face on it!!) I feel like I should list out the meals they were so exquisite but I think your imagination will do it better justice.
We successfully surprised MP on Saturday as well. I really just assumed that she would have overheard, at least, someone saying that we'd be there on Saturday but everyone was in on the gig and kept the secret. When she came into the Cabin from the Midway and saw us, words cannot describe her emotions – mainly because she was literally speechless and simply hugged me as tight as she could for at least a full minute and even then did not want to let go. It was the sweetest thing ever. My only regret with my move to Denver (although regret is not at all the right word) is that I can't be there more for MP. I just hope that through my being out here she gets to fully experience the mountains and this part of the country like I never did and that her interests are peaked to see and do more outside of Mississippi and the South. I don't think there is anything at all wrong with living your whole life in the same place; however, I do strongly believe that you should travel AT LEAST. I also believe that there's no excuse for NOT traveling, be it air, bus, train, or simply good old fashioned road-tripping.
I realized quickly that coming back to Denver this time would be a whole different set of emotions than when I moved out in December. Mainly after seeing MM and realizing how much she would change between now and when I see her again- I was really overcome with emotions on that thought. Also, just allowing myself to realize that I do miss my family but mostly my sister- not that I hadn't already realized it but I guess I recognized how much my family really misses me this trip. At times in Denver the last few months, I have honestly not been sure. Although, as I was driving back from taking K to the airport in NOLA for his flight back I picked up Thacker Mountain Radio and the author (whose name has now escaped me) was reading from his memoir about how to move forward in the U.S. the Irish immigrants had to essentially leave a lot of their "culture" behind. Anyway, I was struck by the passage that said how often times to move forward, one has to leave the familiar and comfortable behind and is often misunderstood as turning their back on those their leaving behind. I felt like all my brooding over the last several months had just been summed up by some random author on a local radio station (and Why hadn't I said it so eloquently already!) Seriously though, that was exactly what I and my family for that matter have been experiencing. And it makes sense to me why they are having such a hard time being interested in my experiences here (other than the job front of course) since my move. They feel like I have left them behind, but yet I feel like I have made a huge step forward for my life. Of course I recognize this is an age-old concept that has been at the root of much more serious feuds than my meager family-feud!
And here I just have to interrupt this sentimental mumbo jumbo to say that I am about 40,000 feet high between Houston, TX and Denver, CO and I believe that I just smelled fried fish on this airplane!! I don't think my body has quite transitioned yet from Mississippi to Colorado!
Being home was great and it was hard to leave MP and Y at the airport and MM too, though she was quite content in her car seat. However, I am so happy to be seeing K in just a few more minutes and I realize more than ever that he is my future and Colorado was the right move for me and in the right time. I am so very happy to say that I live in Denver. I am so proud of me for taking this leap. I am so hopeful of what is in store for me in this upcoming year. And I understand why it is so difficult for my family to show and/or express any sense of pride in me or my decision to move- I really do understand the difficulty that they have had in letting me go and honestly, and maybe weirdly, that is comforting too. Everyone needs to feel so loved that they are so sorely missed and/or held on to- it's really not all a bad thing at all.
I'm proud of myself and feel confident in my decisions and that's all I need.
