Honestly, I am beside myself with anticipation and excitement. I really never intended to go this long without seeing my sister and niece (and now niece number two, too). Initially I thought I would be back in Mississippi by March, and then definitely by June and/or in time for the birth of my niece. Oh but the best laid planes never quite work out do they. Either way, the reasons I couldn't return were practical and legitimate reasons but regardless I haven't felt bad at all for being gone for eight months. (With the exception of the day my niece was born, just the actual day and the moments were hard to not be a part of). But the point I am getting at is that I am okay with having been gone for eight months, I mean I DID move away and I am extremely happy with my decision and have not looked back not one time. I sincerely want to be here in Colorado and hope that I find full-time, permanent employment soon!
I am also super excited about the Fair, which I really never planned on the Fair being the first time I see my family so that's like triple excitement because there's a whole other Fair-family that I only see that time of year anyway. Anticipation is on over-drive, needless to say. Although, in all sincerity I really am just beside myself to see MP. I know without a doubt that she's missed me sorely and I have her too. She's had my heart since March 25, 2003 and she always will.
Along the same lines of excitement and anticipation, I am simply an emotional wreck this morning. I have literally been teary-eyed since 7 A.M. and the tears don't seem to be stopping. (Writing all this down is of course not helping that cause.) I emotional for a whole host of reasons, I am sure. MP, I've mentioned, MM of course, and Y naturally.
Dad is a whole other set of emotions though. I am bordering on anger really with him but at the same time have of course just missed him. Although in reality he checked out of my life, (HE- not the other way around) well before my move out here so these emotions aren't anything new with him except that I had prayed that the physical distance would have somehow softened his heart and mind but I have realized in the last few weeks that just isn't the reality. Which brings me back to anger, more than anything. I have NO- zero, guilt when it comes to him and I am through trying to make sense of all the unnecessary anger and flat out meanness so wherever that leaves us, I guess is where it is. Although it is so often over-used and mis-used - It is what it is. John Prine says it best "you are what you are, and you ain't what you ain't" I am generally at peace with all the nonsense.
So excited to see my friends the McCls!! They are such dear friends and support me more than I even realize, physically, morally, emotionally, literally, all that! They've all, even the kids, have been a constant in my life for many, many years now (since I was at least 12 I'm thinking) and I just love them so dearly :) They're the family, I chose- ha! Of course I love my own family with all of its faults, every member of it from cousins, aunts, uncles, etc. I have by no means turned away from my blood relatives and do not ever want to give that impression (not sure why I felt the need to clarify that here.) But the McCls are truly like family in my eyes, and I believe it's mutual. Not everyone can be so blessed to have a second family and I know I'm fortunate that they are mine!
THE FAIR, THE FAIR, THE FAIR!! I had initially planned to try and write a descriptive blog just about the fair and it's uniqueness from my own perspective but then all these silly emotions crept up and today is the first time I've sat down to blog so all the blah, blah crap came first - my apologies :) I think for now, since the Fair will definitely be overshadowed here, I will wait and hopefully give more descriptions on what the Fair is to me maybe sometime next week while I'm there. Hopefully, I'll feel inspired! Right now, I am just super excited to see everyone, eat some good meals- prepared with good ole fashion sweat and love, and just BE for a few days.
Fair 2009 pics.
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| From Fair 2009 |
