Passing of a favorite relative

We are less than 24 hours from leaving for Telluride!!  I believe we've pulled it all together quite well.  We (well I) am still uncertain of what to really expect, but I feel like we're as prepared as we can be, without spending a fortune.  I do still have to cook a little this afternoon and we'll make another stop at the store on the way out, but we're READY!  It is looking like the weather will be a little cooler than I would like, but it still says no rain or snow which is great.  You just really never know out here.  I will have winter wear and summer wear with me, for sure.  Right now the forcast are saying anywhere from 63-73/38-45 highs and lows, with partly cloudy.  At that elevation (which I think we at least at 9,000 feet) the sun should still feel nice and warm as long as it's not windy.  Although, honestly I have yet to really figure out how to be prepared for the weather out here and realize that I just need to always have a beanie, gloves, and warm jacket with me, as well as long pants.  Either way, I think we'll have a good trip.  The drive will be nice and it is a first for both of us. 

So as I am gearing up for this most exciting adventure, I got a call from Dad (knew it was something serious when he was calling) Tuesday evening and a dear relative had passed with a massive heart attack.  M.A. was a first cousin to Dad, but more like a sibling and I always thought of her as an aunt rather than a cousin.  She had been in poor health for a long while, but there was not any recent specific hospital and/or emercency problems.  I think she just gave out.  She was really hard on her body these last few years.  Regardless, it came as such a shock to me as well as everyone else.  Obviously I am not able to go home for the visitation/funeral on Friday.  I am feeling weird emotions that seem to just be spiraling around and not making any particular sense in my head, even enough for words.  I had honestly not thought of M.A. recently, and I guess that is mostly due to more pressing (so I thought) concerns with U.H. but I really think that is an excuse to myself to feel better about having not asked about her more recently.  I feel really terrible for not having asked for an update with her.  I would always get some bit of update from U.H. when we talked, at least.  M.A. had become our matriarch at the Fair, with the passing of her mother and my granmother and U.H. not being able to attend.  Dad is an only child and after U.H. is gone there literally won't be any immediate family left on the M. side.  That is a strange thought, and I am sure a very strange feeling for Dad . . . but who knows with him, it is evident he has no concept of how to process emotions.  Either way, I know he must feel a great deal of sadness. 

I feel too scattered to really put much down about all of this, but hope to come back to M.A. and the M. family in general and share more thoughts.  I'm struggling with not being able to be there and be a part of the memorial/funeral, but I know it is part of being across the country (particularly with no job.)  Hopefully I will be more stable the next time and not being there won't be an option.

When Dad and I spoke, he told me he loved me and missed me a lot and all the time.  He also said other things that were hurtful, and admittedly I let them get to me for the rest of the evening, but at least he expressed that he missed me- TO ME.  It is all I really took away from the conversation and did ease my mind to some degree.  I know what he's cabable of and what he's not and that was enough for me and that is okay.