Not Fade Away

SAPPY ALERT!!! 

Okay, so I've had these thoughts a lot lately and have kept them to myself but I am just going to go ahead and put them down because it's so refreshing to put things in writing plus I'm sure there will come a time when I'll need to remember these feelings . . .

I am so incredibly in love with K. I am so often overwhelmed with my feelings for him that tears will swell into my eyes and I'm filled with love from toes to head . . . honestly, at least once a week. (The rest of the time, not so much ;)

Seriously though, I think that I am so overwhelmed with these feelings  because I was just really caught of guard when we came together two years ago August. We had both moved on with our lives and lived 1200 miles apart,  literally and in some ways figuratively, at least that was my initial reaction to him expressing his feelings for me.

I just could not have been more floored when K starting telling me how much he'd cared for me through the years as we sat on my cabin's porch swing at 3:00 a.m. on the first Friday of the Fair. I could tell, despite the hour and the booze, that he had seriously thought a lot about this conversation and knew what he wanted to say. Whether he'd planned the words ahead of time, I don't know, but I do know they were perfect in every way. He told me he knew I was jaded and had been hurt, as had he, but that we both deserved better and he knew that if I would give him a chance he'd be the best man he could for me. He knew he could make me happy.  He also said that he knew we lived miles apart but that he knew he wanted me in his life and if he had to settle for just friends he would, but that he knew he wanted more than a friendship with me. Oh he just went on and on and I'm sure I fell in love with him right then and there, but of course did not process it all until weeks later. I think it was a done deal when K booked a flight back to Mississippi within a month of leaving for a quick weekend visit. (He normally came back to Mississippi once a year, sometimes twice.) He really was determined to get through to me the depth of his feelings and commitment to me, if I would just let him in. . . . and of course I did and haven't looked back!

Skip ahead one year and 11 months later and a move out West and here we are, as in love as two adults could be and making it work through all of life's obstacles. It's not all love, love, and happy tales but that's what I love about our story even more. It's of course been a long and bumpy road(which sometimes actually caved in!)  Although, as K likes to remind me, if it wasn't for him and his perseverance we would probably, most decidedly not have come together. 

I am so blessed with his love and support, it is an amazing feeling. Of course the cynic in me keeps waiting on the shoe to drop, but I honestly see a long, happy life with K. I'll have random thoughts about potential obstacles in our path and I always, either through a conversation with K or an internal reality check, come back to us working it out and working together to keep what we have regardless of what comes our way.  It is all so refreshing, given the relationships/marriages I'm more familiar with as well as just my general outlook on loving relationships for the majority of my life.  I pray that we'll always be so strong and supportive for one another. 

Telluride Bluegrass Festival

We had a great trip and were so glad that we took advantage of the opportunity to go.  It really could not have worked out any better for us.  The festival was awesome and the folks at Planet Bluegrass had a well-oiled machine.  I never felt overwhelmed by a crowd or stressed with will call, camp set up, the shuttle, etc.  It by no means felt like we were amongst 10,000 people.  The camping locations were spread out, yet the campsites were close quarters; however, this was not a problem at all.  Everyone there was on the same schedule and just there to enjoy the festival.  We were next to a creek that you could, if you so desired, take a quick dip for a bath and/or to cool off (mind you the creek was filled with melt off from the mountains and I didn't dare test it out, but many did).  They had a water pump and plenty of port-a-johns at our site, as well as everywhere else.  The festival was awesome and so were the other festivarians for the most part.

We got into Telluride Friday afternoon about 3:30 and set up camp and just relaxed at the tent.  Our neighbors had an easy-up and were super friendly (even gave us a thermos full of mimosas on Saturday).  We were fortunate to get to use their shade as needed.  It was around 80 degrees on Friday but when the sun when down it got chilly fast.  We slept okay, but I was kind of cold that first night despite having flannel sheets and fleece blankets and pants on... I think our low was in the 30s for sure.

Saturday was beautiful.  We woke up early, though didn't necessarily get an early start.  Either way we rode our bikes into town, camp was about 4 miles from Town Park and we had easy access to a bike path.   The elevation made the ride quite a challenge but I was glad for the exercise.  We got our tickets for the festival at will call and headed in to lay out our tarp.  K wanted to do the tarp run but we didn't make a huge effort to make that happen.  Regardless, we were able to find a spot about halfway back to the left of the stage and just up from the port-a-johns in the back.  We did our souvenir shopping while there was no crowd. (SOOO glad we went ahead and did that because the line was a mile long the rest of the day!)  The music was so great and continuous, even between sets they had other bands play a couple songs and I'm pretty sure they were playing previous nights' shows as well on the speakers.  Imelda May was a great surprise and we both really enjoyed her sound.  Jerry Douglas had Sam Bush and Bela Fleck sit in with him and Yonder also had Sam Bush on stage.  I don't think the temperature got over 75 but without a cloud in the sky, we did feel like we were baking for a couple hours; however, not to an extent that we did not totally enjoy the day!  We had plenty of snacks and beverages as well.  All in all, I am so very glad we got to go and would definitely want to try and go back.  The six hour drive is beautiful and well worth it.  Doing it by spending money on only one-day festival pass and camping made it a pretty affordable trip.  Maybe next year we'll have some friends join us!!  

Passing of a favorite relative

We are less than 24 hours from leaving for Telluride!!  I believe we've pulled it all together quite well.  We (well I) am still uncertain of what to really expect, but I feel like we're as prepared as we can be, without spending a fortune.  I do still have to cook a little this afternoon and we'll make another stop at the store on the way out, but we're READY!  It is looking like the weather will be a little cooler than I would like, but it still says no rain or snow which is great.  You just really never know out here.  I will have winter wear and summer wear with me, for sure.  Right now the forcast are saying anywhere from 63-73/38-45 highs and lows, with partly cloudy.  At that elevation (which I think we at least at 9,000 feet) the sun should still feel nice and warm as long as it's not windy.  Although, honestly I have yet to really figure out how to be prepared for the weather out here and realize that I just need to always have a beanie, gloves, and warm jacket with me, as well as long pants.  Either way, I think we'll have a good trip.  The drive will be nice and it is a first for both of us. 

So as I am gearing up for this most exciting adventure, I got a call from Dad (knew it was something serious when he was calling) Tuesday evening and a dear relative had passed with a massive heart attack.  M.A. was a first cousin to Dad, but more like a sibling and I always thought of her as an aunt rather than a cousin.  She had been in poor health for a long while, but there was not any recent specific hospital and/or emercency problems.  I think she just gave out.  She was really hard on her body these last few years.  Regardless, it came as such a shock to me as well as everyone else.  Obviously I am not able to go home for the visitation/funeral on Friday.  I am feeling weird emotions that seem to just be spiraling around and not making any particular sense in my head, even enough for words.  I had honestly not thought of M.A. recently, and I guess that is mostly due to more pressing (so I thought) concerns with U.H. but I really think that is an excuse to myself to feel better about having not asked about her more recently.  I feel really terrible for not having asked for an update with her.  I would always get some bit of update from U.H. when we talked, at least.  M.A. had become our matriarch at the Fair, with the passing of her mother and my granmother and U.H. not being able to attend.  Dad is an only child and after U.H. is gone there literally won't be any immediate family left on the M. side.  That is a strange thought, and I am sure a very strange feeling for Dad . . . but who knows with him, it is evident he has no concept of how to process emotions.  Either way, I know he must feel a great deal of sadness. 

I feel too scattered to really put much down about all of this, but hope to come back to M.A. and the M. family in general and share more thoughts.  I'm struggling with not being able to be there and be a part of the memorial/funeral, but I know it is part of being across the country (particularly with no job.)  Hopefully I will be more stable the next time and not being there won't be an option.

When Dad and I spoke, he told me he loved me and missed me a lot and all the time.  He also said other things that were hurtful, and admittedly I let them get to me for the rest of the evening, but at least he expressed that he missed me- TO ME.  It is all I really took away from the conversation and did ease my mind to some degree.  I know what he's cabable of and what he's not and that was enough for me and that is okay. 

Early morning thoughts

4:30 this morning came too fast. K and I have been commuting to work together. We ride to the light rail together and he heads one direction and I head the other. This has been good for me because his schedule is NOT flexible and we HAVE to be out the door at a definite time, plus I get in at least an extra hour because his commute is longer. Anyway, this morning he had to be at work by 7, which meant we had to be at the light rail at 6! I'm the only one in the office, though usually there is at least one other woman who comes in early. I'm planning to work at least 10 hours today to get in my 40 before Friday (did some hours yesterday), since we're heading to Telluride Friday morning. So exciting, but I'll come back to that.

I talked to my Uncle H. this weekend. He is really my great uncle on my dad's side but has been more like the grandfather figure in my life since Papa Jim died when I was barely 2. Needless to say, U.H. is 98 and doing relatively well all things considering at least until the last couple months. Just this past month did he move into a true assisted living facility! When we talked Saturday morning, he said "They come in and bath me, but I'll get back to where I do that myself soon." Basically, he had another fall (one of about three the last six months, though AMAZINGLY he has not broken anything any time). This last fall was originally believed to be a stroke but I  they changed that diagnosis. Either way, after spending a few weeks in in-patient physical therapy he's now in the assisted living part of the same medical facility. He knew that he didn't really have a choice but maintains he intends to get back to doing most things by himself . . . what a spirit he has. I bring up U.H. because he's been so completely supportive of my decision to move and my being here in Colorado, both financially and mentally. He's really been so supportive of me in general most of my life but it has particularly meant so much to me during this process because of the lack thereof by the rest of my family. I can tell in his voice how proud he is for me getting out of Mississippi. (He had casually expressed to me some time ago, when I first started law school, that I should consider moving out of Mississippi for the lack of opportunity there.) I won't go into this side conversation about Mississippi here but I mention it here to give the context of U.H.'s support of me. Every time we talk, even when he's been in the hospital bed and I've called to discuss his health, he would change the conversation to me and ask, "Any news?" and when I would reply he would say, "Hang in there, just hang in there. It will work out, C."

Regardless, his encouragement and support and assurance and belief in me has been invaluable during these last few months. He's been there for me in ways that one would expect their parents to be but yet mine have failed miserably in that area. I don't particularly blame them or have any anger about it all, but when U.H. does give me those encouraging words and I realize their affect on me, I inevitably realize those are exactly the things I am not getting from mom and dad. Honestly, I've known for a long time that they just aren't that type of people... encouraging, assuring, positive, supportive.  Before this decision there were numerous other situations where they just were not there for me in the emotional way I needed. And that is okay. I have K in my life and he gives me enormous support and encouragement, as well as numerous friends who love and support me. So, is this just the norm? Is this the cycle of life (not to be so cheesy)? I guess it is part of coming into your own adult-person and making decisions that are best for you versus being under your parents' wings. Although, I don't believe that in all situations the parents don't also evolve into "supporters" of their children's lives versus the decision makers. ...well, in a perfect world I suppose.

I'm not sure any of this will make sense to the reader and I am most positive that only my sister would understand the depth of the references of my parents. Quite honestly, I don't have the desire to even go prying into that hole! Besides, this is about me and my experiences and general surface explanations will suffice for now.

We had a rainy weekend . . . apparently that "NEVER" happens in Colorado. It has been below 50 the last two nights, and that apparently "NEVER" happens this time of year in Colorado. Along with the 70 mph winds we had multiple times last month, as well as the 98 degree day we had in May. If I had a quarter for every time I have heard, "it's NEVER like this in Colorado," I would have funded my plane ticket home already!

Anyway, K and I rode our bikes to get Chipolte Friday afternoon only to get caught in a downpour for most of the way home (which was not just down the street!) Then Saturday morning we did not change our plans to ride the trail downtown to REI, although it had officially been raining for 24 hours and only forcasted to continue the same. Haha. Needless to say were were in the rain more than we were out of the rain this weekend but we "saved gas and burned carbs!" (A slogan on the bicycle shop we pass all the time.)

We are all geared up for Telluride and pretty much just have to make a couple salads, pack up the car and one last stop at the store for perishables. I can't believe we've pulled this off but I know it will be a trip for the ages . . . and the best part is we live here and are able to do the whole experience for way less than most everyone else attending the Festival. Here is a video of the "tarp run" . . .similar to the "chair race" at the Neshoba County Fair. A lot of the people and things we've read about the festival have reminded me of the Fair. Mostly how the "festivarians" are Telluride Bluegrass Festival (TBF) driven the majority of the year.



Here's also a link I just found with some footage.  The festival is officially this week, but folks have been heading to Telluride since last week. 

Film on the Rocks, The Hangover, June 8

Such an Awesome Experience!!

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Memorial Day Cookout

Cooking out at Harvey Park with AB and the doggies .

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Live video from last night's Film on the Rocks, The Hangover

The "news" reporting is pretty terrible but this at least shows the set up...although I am not sure the footage is actually from last night.  They did film live but this was all I found.  We got good pictures and really enjoyed the whole scene.  The Hangover is just classic and the crowd was great.

 

Summer is Here

Well, we reached record temperatures yesterday and I do believe that summner has set in.  Amazingly, even though it was at least 98 degrees I did not feel like it was unbearable . . . K says this is because I am used to the MS humidity-heat and HE was unbearable because he was SO HOT!  We're in for a long couple months with no AC in that house. 

Let's see... Memorial Day we did a cookout at the park up the street with our friend AB and the doggies.  It was a nice day and we did pretty well on our first official "picnic".  It is so nice being within walking distance of the parks.  I have a few pics but don't have them on my computer yet. 

This past weekend K worked and I did a volunteer thing for National Trails Day at Green Mountain, which is just into the foothills by Red Rocks.  Man was it work!  I had gotten up and done a run (which is a completely miserable experience for me these days) and then got to the location for the event only to hike it for another half mile at least to the trail we were working on, all the while carrying our McClouds (some tool I learned the name of) and buckets and some other heavy tool that was a cross between and axe and a pick.  Anyway, it was a great experience.  It was hot but not too bad and we had some cloud cover and breezes.  There were probably 55-60 volunteers total and we worked in groups of 10 or so.  My group was really friendly and we all chatted while we worked.  We haven't hiked that area yet (it is right across from our dog park) but you can bet we'll be checking out the trail that I helped build!  I had just bought a pair of hiking boots at REIs sale and broke them in for sure.  I would have been even more out of place without them because we were full-on hiking in uncharted trails and rocky terrain.  Thank goodness we didn't see a rattlesnake.  There's been lots of reports of them lately, as they're coming out to chill in the sun.  K even walked upon one on his way to his office building the other day! 

A side note, and I don't know why we haven't already thought about this but while we worked on the trail I was asked if I'd hiked a fourteener yet.  Colorado has several fourteen thousand level peaks that most people hike.  The girls said you still need to wait until July to ensure the snow has cleared, so I decided to have at least hiked one by the end of July.  I'll be of course buying a guide book here shortly to read more on these peaks.  There are several really close to us and I can't wait! 

Tonight we have tickets for Red Rocks first Film on the Rocks which just happens to be The Hangover.  I hope to get some good pics and will post more soon.

Oh and I just remembered this one bit of conversation from the trail building.  I was working next to a young guy (who was doing his service hours for an upcoming 100 mile run in Utah) and then another girl and we were on our second section of the trail.  Both times my particular section had huge rocks that had to be removed to clear the surface... anyway, long store short (the first one I and the leader were able to get) the second one was much larger and more embedded.  I was working all around the rock and putting it off, but then the guy next to me starting in on trying to unlodge it.  Well then the girl on the other side, clearly more experienced at building and/or working with these tools jumped in and starting providing some leverage to move the rock...  all the while I kind of observed.  I stated that I had not meant to leave it for them to handle (though I would have clearly had to have help anyway) and that "I was sorry" they had to deal with it... just making a polite jesture more because I was now just trying to stay out of their way.  (I'm dragging this out.)   To which the girl replied, "oh we know you're not sorry, that's just your training"  implying my Southern background.  Haha.   It was funnier on the trail, I suppose.  At first I kind of took a little offense, but I don't think any was intended.  To be clear everyone was helping everyone and afterall this was volunteer work so it wasn't rigid or anything like that, if my story didn't come across in the light-hearted way it was intended. 
  

Changes

Recently, the amount of changes in my life have been coming to mind a good bit.  I was just emailing to a friend in D.C. (who has lived all over the country more or less), what a great sense of pride I have for having made this move.  I literally get goose bumbs all over when I realize, as I often do, that I really do live here in Colorado!  Since I was at least 21 years old and took a spring break trip with a good girlfriend of mine to her family's place in Big Sky, MT, I have had a huge desire to leave Mississippi and furthermore, be in this Western part of the country.  Although, honestly I really never felt like a move would happen especially after law school.  I mean I guess I just liked to hold out hope, but the ideas never really became realities. 

Anyway, I could not be happier about my decision to (1) be with K (2) move to CO.  In my mind they do go hand in hand because if not for my relationship with K, I am most positive that I would have stayed in Jackson, MS forever.  The best part about my decision was that I was completely okay with living in Jackson, MS for the rest of my life, which is a much different mindset than that of my early 20s days.  I wanted to "get away" from everything familiar in those days.  Gosh, looking back on my state of mind then I just realize how naive and fragile I really was.  This time when thinking about moving away, I knew I wasn't running away from anything, rather I was moving into my future; proactively making a change, rather than sitting back and just hoping and wishing about possibilities.  I realize that it will sound so cheesy, but when K confessed his feelings to me and put all his heart out on the line for me I know my whole way of looking at life changed.  Now, of course this was not an over night change but I gradually begin to see my life as not just mere possiblities (or even devoid of possibilities) but true realities that were there for my taking.  K showed me, through his love and earnest desire to be a part of my life and strive to make me a happier person, that I could actually have more out of life- be that in my relationships, job, or where I lived.  Of course we could have still been together in Mississippi, and would have been.  As far as K and I were concerned, we were going to be together it was just a matter of when and where.  Which is where my source of pride now comes, because I made the decison to move to Colorado.  There was no pressure from K, he actually had kind of resolved that he would have to move back to Mississippi, but I was the one who said, "No, let me move to Colorado and see if we can make it work."  Why not?!?, a phrase friends of law school coined our last semester. 

I'm getting so off topic and rambling on. . . .  Basically, I have realized of late that practically everything in my life has changed in some way or another.  And please do not equal changed to negative, I'm simply noticing, particularly recently, how most everything is a change for me.  The other day I actually had the thought that, other than Dixie still being with me, everything else big and small is different.  Ha.  Same goes for Dixie-girl too, poor thing!  I mean the obvious big stuff:  new state, new house, new dogs, a boyfriend/roommate, new people, new hobbies, new weather, etc. etc.  ALL of those of course have about 50 "news" that accompy them as well, just let your imagination run.  I have done SOOO many first in the past year, there's too many to list here now.  It's really exciting and as long as I don't stop and think about it too much, it's not too terribly overwhelming.