14 weeks and 4 days in Denver

Today has been quite a change since Wednesday.  We have at least six inches of snow on the ground, with the anticipation of at least six more before it stops falling, and we reached our high (33 degrees) for the day at 9:30 a.m.  I ran four miles on Wednesday in near 70 degree temperatures.  I have not done much more than go from the couch to the kitchen to the bathroom since that 4 miler on Wednesday.  I wish I could blame it on the weather, but yesterday was beautiful too, topping off around 67 degrees and mostly sunny all day, and I did not get out of my pajamas all day.  My moods seem to be as unpredictable as the Colorado weather.

I enjoyed the run on Wednesday, even though it was quite a struggle, but the motivation and euphoria of a good workout really boosted my spirits... which I know is a common outcome when I am on a good exercise regimen.  So, I ask myself, "Why do you not get into an exercise routine?"  I think some of it is because of the weather, but that is a weak excuse because some days it will be in the 30s and I still get out and do some activity.  I also think that not having a gym-alternative is another excuse (weak, as well) that I give myself about 50% of the time.  I am pretty disgusted with myself for not making some positive personal strides with all of this "free" time I have been forced to experience.  Okay, okay...forced is a little strong, but I would trade these couch days for a paycheck in a heartbeat, naturally.  I do admit that the first three or four weeks I thoroughly enjoyed not having a schedule or having to be at work or having to get out of the house; however, now I desperately want a schedule and to be at work and to have to get out of the house.   So herein lies my disgust, because I shouldn't need anymore motivation than the desire to get up and go and get going and get out of the house and get to exercising and to lose 15 lbs (yes, I seriously do need to shed at least that).  I do sincerely desire to do these things.  BUT...there it is, of course there is a but.  I am just not doing anything.  Since having a couple interviews a week and a half ago, I have done nothing productive for the most part...at least productive for myself.  You know like, exercise, read a good book, journal, prepare my taxes, go to the cool tea shop down the road, take D to Red Rocks, watch the food I'm putting in my mouth, etc., etc.   All of these are small little things that add up to a huge positive change in my attitude but I simply am not doing them.  Honestly, I am consumed with getting a job and the lack of "in"-come that I have had.  I anticipated it being February before getting a job, though I did not expect April and still no job.  I lay my head down at the end of each day and am in disbelief that another day has passed and still no job, and not even no job, but no call back, no email response, no interest in my Resume whatsoever.  So naturally I wake up with that same thought, though in the form of pleading internally that "today be the day, God, please let today be the day."  And then the day ends again, and the process repeats itself.

Okay, so I know enough to recognize that I do need to stop obsessing because it has clearly become counter-productive, though I am really not sure that obsessing was ever any form of productive.  I also realize that I need to just get OUT, leave the house, go drop some resumes in person, go to a book reading, just GO.  I do know the things that I need to do, but I just am as hard-headed and stubborn as they come and I need a freaking cow prod making me get out of my own way and do what I know I should and am capable of doing.  ...a cow prod, or a good girl friend!  My friend JH was great at getting me on track.  She's actually the one who got me going on the packing wagon for my move back in November.  So, here's the test...and it's been here for at least two months.  The responsibility is own me, not a friend, not K, me and me alone.

So, today is Friday...another week shot, no job, no weight lost, no real exercise done.  My approach to next week must be different.  Poor K for having to endure this side of me!  He sure does love me.  Thank you for your never ending positive attitude about the job.  I am so very happy to be here with you and us making it.  I don't worry about us or our future.  I just want to start carrying my weight around here.